Self-criticism and shame

28 teachings in the library are about this.

Week Three - Praise & Blame David Oromith · 94 minutes · recorded October 6, 2026
The craving for praise and fear of blame, at work, in relationships, online and as a student. David talks about people-pleasing, hiding mistakes and shifting blame, and how fear of what others think stifles playfulness. He explains why self-esteem grounded in our own values holds steady, and why praise can be met with gratitude rather than pride. In the analytical meditation we recall a time we were praised and a time we were blamed, and look at the impermanence and interdependence of each.
Session Three - A Letter from a Loving Friend David Oromith · 45 minutes · recorded September 26, 2026
David leads a writing exercise drawn from Kristin Neff's research. We write about something we do not like in ourselves, then a letter to ourselves from an unconditionally loving friend, and read it back as if it had just arrived. After reflections from the group, David answers a question on resentment with the RAIN practice and work on the beliefs beneath it. It closes with Tonglen: we draw our suffering in as dark smoke to a white light at the heart, then widen out to the room and the world.
Session Two - Self-Compassion and Buddha Nature David Oromith · 72 minutes · recorded September 26, 2026
David sets out Kristin Neff's three elements of self-compassion, self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness, and explains why self-criticism puts us under attack and shuts down learning. He talks about the Buddha's three kinds of conceit, better than, same as and worse than, and why feeling the worst is still self-cherishing. Against the critic he sets Buddha nature: nothing is missing, only obscured. The loving kindness practice, for ourselves and a loved one, closes on "I have worth".
Session One - The Inner Critic, Guilt and Regret David Oromith · 75 minutes · recorded September 26, 2026
David talks about the inner critic, which holds us to standards we would never set for anyone else and often hides behind perfectionism or never being able to rest. He explains why guilt and shame are about the actor, not the action, while with regret we see the mistake and resolve to do things differently. In the loving kindness practice, drawn from Sharon Salzberg, we recall a kind thing we have done, a quality we admire in ourselves, and what someone who loves us would say.
Session Two - The Natural Warmth of Awareness David Oromith · 80 minutes · recorded July 21, 2026
In two guided practices we rest in awareness of awareness and then let warmth in on the in breath, without it feeling manufactured. Between them David reads Tsoknyi Rinpoche on essence love, and Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo on our being something jewel-like rather than worthless. Gold covered in dirt is plunged into the water of awareness rather than scrubbed, and the frightened, contracted part of us is warmed like ice rather than broken with a hammer. It closes on a question about bliss, and a dedication.
I Can't Meditate, My Mind Is Too Busy David Oromith · 7 minutes · recorded June 2, 2026
A short extract from Motivating the Lazy Practitioner Within. David talks about what happens when we do a ten minute practice where the mind wanders the whole time and we think it was a waste, and why the wandering mind is not an obstacle to meditation, but the very fabric of it. He says, if meditation only worked when the mind was quiet, then we would not need it! He offers a small reframe: I can't focus, becomes I can't focus yet, as we remain open to growth rather than feeling defeated.
The Need for Greater Self-Compassion David Oromith · 28 minutes · recorded April 19, 2026
The session opens with a self-compassion practice: we recall a real difficulty, then offer ourselves the same kindness we would give a struggling friend, using phrases such as may my suffering be eased. David talks about why we can be so hard on ourselves, tells the parable of the ferryman and the traveller who jumps into the river, and explains why securing your own heart first is not selfish but the more compassionate path.
Throw Guilt Out - You Are Not Your Worst Moments David Oromith · 3 minutes · recorded March 22, 2026
A short extract. Guilt and shame never get around to the behaviour, only to what a bad person you are, so David argues for throwing them out altogether. Tibetan has no word for this kind of guilt; the nearest is intelligent regret that decides to do things differently.
Guided Meditation - Forgiving Ourselves and Letting Go of the Past David Oromith · 16 minutes · recorded March 22, 2026
A piece of negative self-talk is brought to mind and held there. David shows the mind as a brilliant storyteller, building a whole identity from one thing you said or did, then shifts the ground from thinking the thought to noticing you are having it. Grace comes next, for being human, and the words to the extent I am able, I forgive myself, I release. It closes with a hand on the chest and wishes to be kind to yourself.
S2 - Turning Inward & Forgiving Ourselves David Oromith · 73 minutes · recorded March 22, 2026
The session opens with a brief settling practice, then the teaching turns inward, tracing self-hatred to fusing bad behaviour with a fixed sense of self. David separates guilt from healthy regret, teaches the four opponent powers for addressing what we've done, and argues our deepest nature is pure, not our anger or shame. A guided practice follows, in which we meet negative self-talk as thought and close in self-forgiveness. Questions turn to ongoing hurt from a parent and why self-hatred is common in the West.
Dealing with Feelings of Regret David Oromith · 33 minutes · recorded March 8, 2026
In the meditation we use slow breathing and full body awareness to settle body and mind, releasing whatever is on your mind with each out breath. David talks about the difference between healthy regret and corrosive guilt or shame, and sets out the four Rs from the Indo-Tibetan tradition: regret, rely or remind, remedy and resolve, as a way to work with feelings of regret.
Session Two - Extending a Hand to Fear David Oromith · 76 minutes · recorded November 24, 2025
The morning opens with a brief settling meditation, then David leads a longer guided practice in which we extend kindness to anxiety using the shoes framework, five steps spelling its name: sensations, hello to the feeling, a one minute reset, explore, then support. David distinguishes fear from anxiety, unpicks catastrophising and personalising, and offers the this is just a thought technique. Questions cover whether anxiety can ever fully go, and how to receive self-compassion when that feels unfamiliar.
D2S3 - Loving Kindness, Beginning With Yourself David Oromith · 87 minutes · recorded August 19, 2025
The first of two evenings on loving kindness, given to what David calls such a tricky area for many of us: loving kindness for oneself. He is direct about how the classic practice starts with the self and stalls there for many Westerners, and offers contemplations that get underneath it, including something kind you have done and a quality you admire in yourself. A guided practice follows, then questions on a mind sent worrying, and on expectations too high, where he passes on the Dalai Lama's words to Lama Alan: expectation is the foundation of failure.
Session Three - Meeting the Emotion, and a Renewed Intention David Oromith · 65 minutes · recorded August 7, 2025
Continuing from the previous session, David guides a practice of simply being with an emotion rather than observing or fixing it, drawing on Tsoknyi Rinpoche's handshake practice, resting attention with whatever feeling is present. The talk covers regret as an alternative to guilt and shame, the four opponent powers, and anger's three forms, outward, inward and passive. He answers questions on internalised anger, pausing during conflict and grief, and closes reading Mary Oliver's Wild Geese.
Session 2 - The Eight Verses of Training the Mind David Oromith · 87 minutes · recorded June 18, 2025
This second session opens with a twenty minute meditation in which we settle body and mind, then recite the eight verses together. David works through the third verse on watching the mind and applying antidotes to afflictions, then the fourth on cherishing difficult people as a rare chance to practise compassion. A poll shows self cherishing can hide inside low self esteem as much as pride. Questions cover compassion versus empathy, accepting compliments, and giving victory to others.
D2S1 - Hovering, Comparison, and the Five Obscurations Lama Alan · 94 minutes · recorded June 5, 2025
Lama Alan introduces hovering, staying aware of being aware rather than dissolving into the breath, and traces suffering to grasping at what is not I or mine and failing to recognise what we are, the trap behind both low self-esteem and its mirror, feeling superior to others. He sets out the five obscurations, craving, malice, dullness, agitation and uncertainty, and shows how factors that arise naturally through practice act as their antidotes.
Guided Meditation - Loving Kindness for Oneself David Oromith · 22 minutes · recorded September 11, 2024
Loving kindness for yourself, beginning where many find it awkward: recalling a kind thing you did, naming a quality you like in yourself, and asking what those who love you would say. David then turns to your own wish to be happy as something right and beautiful, before moving into three phrases, each one imagined rather than just said.
A Helpful Alternative to Guilt & Shame David Oromith · 32 minutes · recorded February 25, 2024
Mindfulness of breathing at the belly, practised with eyes at least partially open, with counting available for those who find it helpful. David addresses guilt from a Buddhist perspective, distinguishing it from healthy regret and describing how guilt fuses a harmful action with a sense of being a bad person. He sets out the four opponent powers of regret, reliance, remedy and resolve as a more workable response, alongside the Dalai Lama's answer to a question about self hatred.
D2S2 - What Is Actually Being Purified Michael Lobsang Tenpa · 90 minutes · recorded January 10, 2024
Compassion first, for everyone in the retreat, then for all beings. Tenpa quotes Garchen Rinpoche: what is to be purified is nothing but self grasping, and a single teardrop of compassion purifies negativities accumulated in aeons. He sets the discovery and cultivation views of buddha nature side by side. A second full practice uses the short mantra and the style revealed by Khenpo Jigme Phuntsok at Larung Gar. An emailed question on guilt when recalling misdeeds is answered: acknowledge it, then shape the energy into regret.
Week 2: Compassion (Karuna): Cultivating a genuine concern for the sufferings of others and compassionate action David Oromith · 86 minutes · recorded June 15, 2023
The session opens with a short breathing meditation to settle the group, before David turns to compassion, karuna, the wish for others to be free of suffering. He names its near enemy, despair, drawing on his own past depression while working on mental health wards, and its far enemy, cruelty, and why compassion must lead to action rather than pity or anger. Questions cover rudeness at work and a wedding venue caught in protests. The session closes with a meditation in which we extend the wish through self, loved one, neutral and difficult person.
Being Ok With Being Uncomfortable David Oromith · 28 minutes · recorded October 24, 2021
The body settles into contact with the ground before we rest attention on the changing sensations of each in breath and out breath, with counting offered for those who want to steady their focus. David talks about being comfortable with being uncomfortable, welcoming each moment instead of insisting it be different, and recognising that difficult feelings are fleeting and survivable. He also warns against letting meditation become another stick to beat ourselves with when we still feel low.
Saying No to Self-Criticism David Oromith · 13 minutes · recorded January 28, 2021
David separates useful self-criticism, which teaches and moves us on, from the inner critic that fixates on small details, exaggerates them and calls them truth. He traces it back to holding the self as solid and permanent, and offers two remedies: writing down fifty accomplishments and learning to accept a compliment, and meeting the critical thought itself with loving kindness. It closes on the Sufi three gates, is it true, is it useful, is it kind.
Guided Meditation - Self-Criticism to Self-Confidence David Oromith · 15 minutes · recorded January 28, 2021
This is a guided meditation on turning our self-criticism into self-confidence. During this practise, we learn to acknowledge and accept the self-critical mind, detach from its story, and cultivate a healthy balance, taking equal note of our accomplishments. We then rest in the simplicity of the present moment, in which everything is okay and we are calm, healthy and happy.
Guided Meditation on R.A.I.N. (with Charlotte Adler) David Oromith · 15 minutes · recorded July 10, 2020
This is a guided meditation on R.A.I.N., recorded by Charlotte Adler. R.A.I.N. is a method by which we release painful emotions through mindfulness and self-compassion. Charlotte explains more about R.A.I.N. in Episode 13 of this podcast. This is a beautiful meditation and we're so grateful to Charlotte for her kindness in sharing this with us. We're sure it will benefit many. May all beings be happy.
Guided Meditation - Unconditional Loving Kindness, Beginning with Yourself at Your Worst Lama Alan · 25 minutes
Can you love yourself at your worst? Lama Alan Wallace begins here, asking you to recall an episode of your own regrettable behaviour and to distinguish the person from the afflictions and habits that gripped them. You offer yourself the four aspirations. The same recognition then extends to someone whose conduct has clearly harmed others, and finally to a person who has harmed you, met as a brother or sister in the same predicament.
Guided Meditation - Loving Kindness for Oneself at Your Worst and at Your Best Lama Alan · 25 minutes
Lama Alan turns loving kindness towards yourself, in two directions at once. You recall a day when your mind was in turmoil and your behaviour at its worst, then look past the affliction to the person underneath who only ever wanted to be happy, and wish them free. Then you recall yourself at your best, kind and patient, and wish that person well too. The session closes by releasing every thought.
D1S3 - William James on Attention, and the Shamatha Project Lama Alan · 67 minutes
William James held that each of us chooses, by our ways of attending, what sort of universe we appear to inhabit. Lama Alan turns that on narcissism and on low self-esteem, and on why a materialist and a contemplative find different things obviously real. James also thought sustained attention a fixed trait; the three month Shamatha Project, with seventy subjects, showed otherwise. Relaxation supports stability, stability supports vividness, and skipping a step ends in burnout.
Empathetic Joy Glen Svensson · 78 minutes
Empathetic joy, mudita, as the corrective to the modern obsessive focus on the negative. Glen Svensson turns cognitive fusion on ourselves to explain low self-esteem and the difference between useful regret and useless guilt, and advises praising a behaviour rather than a person. In the guided practice we rejoice in another's good fortune and virtues, then travel the timeline of our life recalling every kindness received. He closes with the four thoughts that turn the mind.

Self-criticism and shame

Self-criticism and shame

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